Could anything be more devastating and upsetting, when you are in love, for your relationship to break up? Why would that happen? How do you cope when your whole life is centered around that person? Breaking up when you are in love is devastating but it need not ruin your life. You can get through this.
Why Did They End It?
Let’s assume that your partner ended it. What reasons might they have had for breaking up when you thought everything was good between you. It was like a bolt from the blue. One day you were happy and looking forward to a bright future together; the next you are suddenly single again. How did it happen?
- They aren’t in love with you as much as you thought.
- They decided to focus on their study or career.
- S/he felt they had lost control their own destiny.
- They felt like they’d lost their individuality.
- Perhaps things were moving too fast.
- They are not ready for a long-term, exclusive relationship.
- They met someone new.
- You had a big fight.
- One of you exhibits signs of jealousy, possessiveness or controlling behavior.
- There is no trust in the relationship.
- Their family disapproves.
Why You Ended Your Relationship
Maybe you ended it, even though you are still in love? You felt you had to make this sacrifice for your longer-term good. What reasons might have caused you to break up while you were still in love?
- Your work or study must come first.
- Your family pressured you into breaking up.
- You see no future in the relationship.
- Your partner was too controlling and jealous.
- Your partner was talking about marriage and you know you aren’t ready for that.
- You felt as if your own personality was being subjugated to theirs.
- You love someone else, even though you love your partner too.
- There were so many things wrong with the relationship that love wasn’t enough to overcome them.
The Emotional Shock of a Break Up
It’s a shock to the system when someone dumps you unexpectedly. One of the most important things you need to know is that the emotional reaction magnifies your actual feelings. What does that mean? Well, when you have something taken away you feel a strong emotional attachment to it, whether it is an object, a pet, or a person. You immediately feel that you loved them more than perhaps you actually did. You think the loss made you realize how much you really loved them. In fact, that’s not true… it’s the fact that you had no control that makes you feel this way. There’s nothing like someone making themselves unavailable for you to want them more.
Take a small step back, and breathe deeply. Think about this logically. Did you notice the signs that your lover wasn’t as happy as you were? Did you perhaps long for freedom yourself occasionally. Were you over-critical of them? Were you one hundred percent happy with them?
How To Cope With Breaking Up When You Are in Love
If you were the one who initiated the break up, you probably don’t feel quite as bad as you would if they had broken up with you. There’s a strong chance you feel guilty about causing them pain, but the reasons you split up won’t go away. You have to chalk it up to experience and move on.
It’s a really good idea to let your closest friend or family member know that you are going to end the relationship and have them on stand-by to support you through this.
The other side of the coin is if your ex decided to break up with you. That’s harder to take. You need some coping strategies to get you through the next few days and weeks. Your support system will be key, so don’t hesitate in letting your best buddy know that you need them at this time.
The Emotional Zone of Breaking Up
The first hours and days will feel the worst. It will seem like someone ripped out your heart. And of course, emotionally, that’s exactly what happened. See yourself on an emotional ladder. Right now, you are at the bottom in deep despair. Accept that it’s OK to feel this way.
Once the storm has passed and you can think clearly, understand that you need to move yourself up the steps of that emotional ladder, little by little, one step at a time. Think about the benefits of breaking up, and there are some, we promise. Try making a mental list:
- Know that the relationship wasn’t ever going to work.
- Understand that people have to do what they think is right for them.
- You are free to do what you want.
- You can make a clean start.
- You will meet someone better.
Practical Steps After Breaking Up
Do your best to wrangle some time to yourself. Firstly to deal with the emotional fallout and then to begin to make some life changes. You might decide to have a vacation; there’s nothing like having to focus on travel arrangements and then on all the sights and sounds of an unfamiliar place to take your mind off a break up.
If you can’t change your schedule, perhaps you can arrange a couple of nights out with your friends? Another tactic is to make yourself available to relatives for baby-sitting or dog-sitting duties. Or pop into your local community center and ask if you can help out for a few hours. Physical activity and a change of mental focus is the absolute best way of coping with a break up.
Don’t Try To Stay In Contact With Your Ex
You want to, of course you do. Yet all it does is make it hurt more. Do your best to let them get on with their life while you get on with theirs. Avoid checking their Facebook. Decide to have a social media break if necessary. If you can’t, then post some happy photos of yourself with your friends. Show the world that you are strong and that you don’t care that much at all.