You got The Text, didn’t you? He’s ended it in the usual way. Didn’t even have the decency to phone you. You read the words over and over, trying to wring as much meaning as you can from them. Go on, delete it. Done it? Now you can begin the process of getting over him. Discover how to cope when he breaks up with you.
There’s no one way to recover from a break-up. Everyone deals with it in their own unique way. Yet there are certain markers and processes that occur as we pick our way through a massive emotional disturbance like a break-up.
Day One of Your Break-Up
You have to do what you have to do to get through this day. Your emotional state will determine how you cope. If you are feeling completely wiped out, you need to sleep, cry, shower, sleep and cry some more. You probably won’t feel like eating much, but if you do, it’s comfort food all the way. Ice-cream is the best. Probably a good idea to avoid alcohol.
Give yourself permission to do whatever it takes to make it through the first 24 hours. Stay home, call in sick. Order pizza. Phone your girlfriends. Ask your mother to come and tuck you up in bed. You’ll want to text him, but please don’t. He is not able to support you emotionally. It’s a really bad idea and you’ll probably regret it. Just tell yourself you’ll contact him when your mind is clearer.
The number one thing to avoid right now is social media. Stay away.
This is probably the very worst you will feel. The lowest, most miserable day of any break-up. Tell yourself, the only way is up.
Day Two: Emotional Swings Are Normal
You could feel a tiny bit better, but it might not last. Over the next few days your emotions are going to swing from the lowest to not quite so bad. Crying one minute, angry the next. It’s OK, it’s normal. Go with it. Don’t judge yourself for the way you feel. You might have to put in an appearance at work. Be sure to let your immediate superior know that you feel under the weather. You don’t have to reveal all, but make sure they know you are a little fragile.
You will be cycling through emotional swings, so cut yourself a little slack. This is a time of mourning. You are mourning the relationship, the fact that he’s rejected you and you are also mourning the person you were as part of a relationship. It’s a big thing and you are allowed to feel exactly the way you do. You might be experiencing a whole big mess of emotions all at the same time. There could be sadness, disappointment, loss, blame, anger, guilt, confusion, and even a smidgen of relief mixed in there. Again, it’s normal.
Are you still avoiding social media? If not, get off this second.
Days Three to Seven: Revenge Ye Not
By now you’ll have examined every detail of your relationship and subsequent break-up in minute detail. You’ll have mentally looked for clues and indicators that the break-up was imminent. You might be suspicious of his reasons so it’s likely you’ll be angry, very angry. Thoughts of revenge may be whirling around in your head. Best advice is to do your best to avoid replaying the past, but we know that it is not possible in most cases.
Know that exacting revenge is not a good idea. You might go too far. You could end up looking like a fool or a woman scorned. Whatever you do, do not post anything on social media, however tempting it might seem. These things have a tendency to come back, possibly years later, and bite you in the bum. Words that spill out of you now could affect future relationships and even your career later on in life. Once it’s out there, it’s out there, and even if you subsequently delete it, it will still exist. Your ex could have saved your posts, taken screen shots, or whatever. Don’t risk it.
Also avoid doing something that will ultimately demean you. Sleeping with your ex’s best friend is one such thing. Sleeping with anyone at this time is not a good thing period.
The best way of getting revenge is to create the best life you possibly can. To show him, and any detractors, that you are more than the relationship, that you are on your way up. That you are a much better person than he is.
Week Two of Your Relationship Split
If you haven’t already, it’s time to make a life-plan. This is you going forward, moving on, growing wiser, becoming the person you are meant to be. There is plenty of time for relationships later on. For now, focus on you as an individual. Remember that this most recent relationship is merely a stepping-stone to a better you. There are lessons to be learned and wisdom to be gained from it. It wasn’t a waste of your time, not one little bit.
Your life-plan could include your goals for the next year. Career, a study plan, fitness and diet, a wardrobe makeover. Whatever you want. It’s your life-plan. Build it and hone it so that it fits you perfectly. Break your long-term goals into smaller steps, and those small steps into easily achievable micro goals.
When Your Relationship Breaks Up: 10 Dos and Don’ts
- Do allow yourself to process all the crazy emotions after the split.
- Do share your feelings with people you can trust.
- Do give yourself all the time you need.
- Do create a life-plan as soon as you feel up to it.
- Do assess the things your learned from the relationship and the break-up.
- Don’t self-blame or beat yourself up.
- Don’t go after revenge.
- Don’t post on social media.
- Don’t dis your ex to those who know him; you are better than that.
- Don’t try to numb your feelings with alcohol or drugs.
Remember, this relationship was just a step closer to your real true love. There is someone out there for you who is perfect. Meantime, do your utmost to fall in love with your beautiful self.
Photos courtesy of Pixabay