Are you in a relationship that seems to be perfect love one day, and the worst idea ever on another day? Welcome to the usual ups and downs of long-term relationships. Every relationship has highs and lows, good and bad. A perfect love relationship is one that is healthy, balanced and enjoyed by both partners.
Our partner’s moods, our emotional state, external circumstances, well-meaning pressure from friends and family, work, commitments… all affect how we feel about our relationships. When you are in a perfect love partnership, you deal with these things efficiently. When it’s not so good, you wonder if you can sustain your interest in him, if maybe she is not right for you, or perhaps the thought of regaining your single status seems like the best idea in the world?
Here are ten signs that this is not perfect love:
1. Jealousy from either partner is not love. Jealousy is needing to own and control another person. It is a sign of extreme insecurity and should not be part of any healthy relationship. Love means giving your partner space. Love means trusting them – it doesn’t involve either one checking up on the other. If you can’t trust him, or he is unable to trust you, then this is not perfect love.
2. Love is not feeling coerced into sex, or sexual acts that you find uncomfortable. Sure there are times when you’ll do what he likes because you love him, but you should always take part willingly. If it feels like you are being forced or emotionally blackmailed, it’s not love, it’s abuse and should never be tolerated.
3. He can’t be bothered to make an effort. He never wants to meet your family or friends. He’s not interested in anything you do. He doesn’t ask about your work. Or perhaps it is you who shows no enthusiasm for his life outside the relationship. Perfect love is loving your partner for all their aspects, both when you are together and apart.
4. Fights aren’t forgiven. Fights and disagreements often test love. However, a healthy relationship will recover and bounce back, as both partners understand their bond is too strong to break over a minor disagreement. Should your boyfriend (or you) continually refer to things spoken in an argument, then know this is not perfect love. Forgive and forget is a fundamental element of a good relationship.
5. Perfect love doesn’t hurt. If it does, you are experiencing something other than love. If you are feeling emotional pain, it might be fear, insecurity, possessiveness, addiction, or obsession. It’s not love – there is no room in a person’s heart for love and negative emotions to exist side-by-side.
6. Love is not boring. Boredom is a sign that a relationship is dying. Sure, in a long-term relationship, the routine can become overly safe and boring. However, he should still make you smile; you should be glad to see him – being bored with routine is not the same as being bored with each other. Routine is easily changed, while boredom with your partner cannot.
7. Love never undermines. There is often a certain amount of light-hearted teasing in a relationship and that’s fine, as long as both partners are okay with it. Undermining someone is different. It’s a deliberate attempt to make them feel less-than. If your lover makes a habit of constantly undermining you, it’s not love.
8. Love isn’t a financial obligation. If your partner expects you to subsidize them or give them money, and there’s not a mutually agreed arrangement, they are sponging off you. Love doesn’t expect handouts.
9. Overstepping boundaries isn’t love. Everyone has boundaries – a sort of moral code by which they live. If your partner doesn’t respect yours, whether it be emotional or physical, then love is lacking. For example, if your partner continually stands you up, then he’s not respecting your boundaries. If she treats you like dirt, she’s trampling all over your boundaries. There’s no disrespect within perfect love.
10. Perfect love is not inconsiderate. As one-half of a loving relationship, you expect consideration from your partner. Consideration is courtesy and kindness. It is compassion and respect. It is asking how you are, how you feel, and is this okay with you? Consideration is two-directional and a constant thread through a relationship. It is the basis of friendship. Consideration is caring, and it is an essential part of perfect love.
Expecting Too Much?
While none the above are deal-breakers if they rarely happen, if one or more is a frequent occurrence, it’s a sign that your perfect love isn’t perfect at all. You deserve better. Having said that, it is possible to want too much from a love relationship.
It’s not fair for you to have such high expectations that your partner will never be able to meet them. For example, while it is right for you to receive (and give) consideration, you cannot expect him to read your mind. He can tell that you are unhappy, but when he asks, you snap, “Nothing!” Tell him what the problem is, and also what you want him to do about it.
Do you expect him to spend every waking minute outside of his work with you? Your demands are too high. Give him a break. Everyone needs downtime from their relationship.
It’s nice if he says you look beautiful but are you constantly looking for compliments? It’s not his job to boost your self-confidence or cure your insecurities.
If you expect too much from your partner, it’s not perfect love.