I’m in Love with a Married Woman

Is it Just About Sex?

 

Are you a man who has fallen in love with a married woman? Do you long for a permanent relationship? What are the chances she will give up her husband for you?

 

A recent study conducted by Professor Eric Anderson of the University of Winchester, UK, and curiously the ‘Science Officer’ of Ashley Madison – the popular website for those seeking to have an affair – concluded that none of the one hundred married women he surveyed wanted to leave their husbands. He says that those who stray still feel affection for their current partner. From this, we can conclude that women looking for love outside their long-term relationship are mainly doing it for emotional or sexual satisfaction rather than a way to end their marriage. This is confirmed by the fact that all the women surveyed said they were only interested in one extra-marital partner, whereas when married men were asked the same question, they stated that they would prefer multiple partners.

 

in love with a married woman Photo Credit: nilswer via Compfight cc

 

Why She Won’t Leave Her Marriage

 

Women in long-term relationships have anchored themselves to their husbands and vice-versa. If the marriage is strong and based on friendship, the only reason she will stray is because of dissatisfaction of one kind – either emotional or sexual. Many reported that they love their husbands dearly, but that there is ‘something missing’. However, that missing something is not enough to tempt them to leave permanently.

 

Most women have invested a lot of time and energy into the marriage and are unlikely to want to dismantle all of that for the sake of a fling. If the couple has children, then she is even more likely to want to keep her marriage intact.

 

You are Always on the Outside

 

This leaves the lover on the outside looking in. It’s possible that you are happy with the arrangement, but very often the ‘other man’ is left wanting more, especially if you did not know she was married when you met her. You may find yourself waiting for calls and messages that come all too infrequently, snatching a few illicit hours with your amour when she can get away. She rushes back to her husband and children, leaving you on your own with the mental picture that she is spending every night tucked up in bed with her husband.

 

Affair with a married woman

Photo Credit: ArTeTeTrA via Compfight cc

An Emotional Time Bomb

 

Contrary to common belief that men have affairs with married women to avoid commitment, many men report that they feel extremely lonely and isolated. They know they can never have a full, reciprocal relationship with the woman they love.

 

Committing yourself emotionally to a married woman means that you are subject to her choices and expectations. You are no longer in charge of your life because her timetable takes priority. This could lead to constant anxiety, disappointment, anger and the sense of feeling used. Essentially, you are caught up in a love triangle.

 

Sometimes a man will decide to take action and inform the husband of his wife’s unfaithfulness. However, most will not jeopardize their love or risk the emotional fall-out. One man writes of his experience after he wrote a letter to his lover’s husband. His lover dumped him, and her husband sued him for stalking his wife.

 

What you do risk, however, is the prospect of the affair ending abruptly. She may decide that she is unable to live with the consequences of being found out, that her husband deserves better, or her best friend has made her aware she could lose her children in a nasty divorce. When that happens, you have nothing.

 

You’re in Too Deep

 

If the affair has been going on for a while, you may feel the thought of losing her is beyond comprehension. You hold on to the slender hope that she will leave him. You are even prepared to wait until her kids grow up. One man describes his feelings, “My life is being blown apart. I love this woman more than I ever thought possible to love someone and just do not know what to do.”

 

Unfortunately, she probably feels her loyalties lie with the man who has shared her life for the last decades, that they have too much history to throw it away, that her stable life and home are too valuable to give up. After all the time, energy and emotion you have poured into the relationship, you are still on your own.

 

If Her Marriage Ends, Will You Take on Her Kids?

 

It’s possible that her marriage will end, possibly because her husband discovers the affair, or that the woman is so unhappy that she files for divorce. She turns to you. Suddenly, you have to deal with a whole lot more than simply turning up for a romantic tryst. Do you want to live together? Does she have children? You may have to take shared responsibility for them – can you do this? It’s one of the most difficult things to do.

 

Getting Over an Affair with a Married Woman

 

One of you has found the strength to end the relationship. You feel bereft; an important part of your life is no more. You didn’t expect the emotional impact to be this devastating. How do you get through the next hours, days, weeks? You have to understand that you are feeling grief and must negotiate the process by giving yourself time to deal with it.

 

Don’t bottle it all up. Find someone who knows you well and who you can trust and tell them how you feel. Approach each day one at a time. Don’t be tempted to contact your ex-lover. If you need to, get some professional advice from a relationship counselor. Spend time with your friends – you may have neglected them since the affair began, so make an effort to renew your friendships. Try to avoid dating right away, you are emotionally vulnerable and could end up launching yourself into an unsuitable relationship on the rebound. Treat yourself gently and, with any luck, you will eventually find a relationship with someone single, who can love you with one hundred percent commitment.

 

Other Men Explain What it is Like to Have an Affair With a Married Woman

I Love a Married Woman

Middle-aged women missing passion (and sex) seek affairs, not divorce

The paper, "Life is Short, Have an Affair: Middle-Age Women and Extra-Marital Affairs," was presented at the American Sociological Association's 109th Annual Meeting in San Francisco in 2014.

 

 

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  1. By ajit on

     

    I am confused and messed up badly. I m in one-sided love with a married woman I m single 30 and she is same age and married for 3 years. I met her at the end of first year of her marriage at work , I don't talk much to anyone and I don't have any friends also from childhood and I have remained in depression for a long time since my childhood but no one knows it and Itry to hide it that's why I don't open up myself to anyone. She started talking  to me I response only I mean not talk much but as time passed she started to talking to me much more. And she shared her personal life before marriage and telling how free she was and even though she did love marriage she always hint that she is adjusting . She never said it clearly but she hint it at many occasions. She shared her family problems also with me she crack jokes and pull my legs also. I haven't notice but I started to like her company but when I feel it I tried to say it but don't want to lose her as now I have fallen very deep.i told her that I m very afraid of future and she said don't think about future no can predict it .So I carried on with my feelings and hint many times to her about it and I know she also know it now ii has been 3 years. BAnd now when I said I want to tell u everthing about me I want to share my feelings my pain which I am carrying from.childhood she said she don't want to listen . She said we live in a society which have boundaries and we shouldn't do things which hurt people around us and she is not the right person for listening all the things that I want to share. Now I m hurt very bad even though I m trying to make myself understand since last one month but it hurting. I try that we remain friends but she don't talk to me when she went away o. Holidays or somewhere else , even she don't reply my msg she read them but don't reply and said she have personal life that she don't want to disturbed. She only talk to me at workplace and soon her or mine workplace will get changed. And I m afraid that she won't talk to me. Sometimes I feel I M getting selfish but actually what I want that she just talk to me as a friend but she talk only when she want whenever I need her as a friend she is not there. Don't know what I do. I love her so much but I m asking for too much? Is friendship after marriage for a married woman is impossible? 

     

     

     

    Reply »

    • By Troi G. on

      Hi Ajit,

      Sorry to hear of your problems. However, this lady has made it clear that she no longer wishes to continue your friendship. There’s nothing anyone can say or do to change that. You have to accept her decision and leave her alone. Meanwhile, you need to find some friends of your own. I am not sure how you will do that, but you can do it. Find some local groups to join; somewhere that people have similar interests to your own. Think about volunteer work. Be friendly and open, and people will be the same with you. I’m sure you will eventually find someone special who will love to listen to you. Hope it all works out for you.

      Reply »

      • By ajit on

        u may think i m stubborn but i couldn't do it and i told her that i am in so much because of her and also requested that please don't talk to me as you did once and stopped talking to me for 2 months i was broked , i want you to do the same cuz i cant do it my own .you know what she said she said " u r not normal but i am normal and i can talk to you" problem is that she is making it clear she repeat again n again no one know about future and tell me that i should find a girl to talk and also said that i shouldn't get married. i mean suggest me she is not clearly tell me what she want. I know you will say that if she isn't clear you should still leave her but from my side it is very hard so i tell her that stopped talking to me even i requested her to block me on whatsapp cuz i couldn't stop my self to msg her and she always says that don't msg as she don't hide anything from her husband and he can read any mesaag and she don't like to delete my message .

        Reply »

        • By Troi G. on

          This is not a healthy relationship, ajit. It is one-sided, addicted and obsessive. There is no future in it for you, and you are continuing to perpetuate emotional pain in yourself. Not only that, you are jeopardizing her marriage. Give it up.

          Reply »

          • By Ajit on

            I know what most of the people think about my feelings. I am in love with her more than 3 years I never wanted to get physical I never wanted that her marriage get in trouble because of me all I wanted a friend , someone who listen me who talked to me but now I think woman after marriage can't be closed Friend.

             

            I have told her clearly my feeling and I also got my transfer order. Now I am in other city. When I told her about my feeling she listened me carefully her husband went abroad as I had only few days left with her I used to leave her at her station. We talked so much I told her how much I have loved her how much I've been hurt she msged me whenever she was free. Then I got to other city then we chat alot for 10 days . She had to go to her husband for 1 month and she told me not to msg her at that time only msg when something important or I have e to ask for some office related stuff. In that period my mom got heart attack and went on ventilator I was alone I was missing her I was crying there was no one to whom I can talk I msg her that my mom got very sick she read my msg but no replied, after one month I again msg her and she said "I'm blocking u" and blocked me . She came back and she also got transfer to other place I SMS her and asked about posting she replied why should I tell u. I cried all night. I again SMS her daily but she never replied one day she replied and said don't disturb me pls. I was crying daily . I never did anything that points toward physical things I just want to talk to her like we used to. I was crying daily and one day I couldn't control and SMS her about all the pain I was going through. She replied dont taste my patience and blocked my mobile number so I can't send any SMS or call. I was deeply hurt . My birthday was only after few days . I have never celebrated my birthday with anyone as I don't have any friends. I decided to suicide which I was thinking about almost since last 12 years but always thought it was wrong someday I'll feel happy. But I think that day will never come. I went on railway track at 10pm sat there and I was crying. Then one thing came to mind how she will feel when she get to know about my suicide. She will get sad I couldn't hurt her. I came back and cried all night. I promised myself if thing will not be right till my birthday I'll end my life on my birthday. And just before 4 days of my birthday her msg came she said she is sorry for doing all the things I said don't say sorry cuz I knew why she did that but it hurt alot. But she was changed totally she didn't respond to my msg she said she is busy, it was looking like she came back just to show sympathy for me. Whenever I said or asked something she said she don't like this type of questions and will block me again (kind of warning or threat). So I stopped and only send msg when I had to asked​ something about work. But soon I realised I can't take it I told her I want my old friend back who shared everything with me who listened me and laughed with me , she haven't replied and after some time she said she is busy . I cried again as I never want this . I cried all day I msg her she is making me feel like I am nothing . She didn't reply and finally I said block me cuz I was so sad that I might message her all things that hurting me and how much she hurting me. I said pls block me cuz I am very sad and will send you messages that make you sad. So block me at least only one person get hurt . And she responds to this message quickly and blocked me on 11august that mean yesterday. Here I am again broked and shattered this happened yesterday 11august again. Even I had not got over when she broke my heart last time and she gave me this fresh heart attack again. I think about her all the time whether she talk time or not.

             

             

          • By Troi G. on

            Hi Ajit, I am sorry to hear you are going through all this again. It is clear to me, and probably everyone who reads your messagse, that this woman has repeatedly indicated that she is not interested in a relationship with you. Your behavior is tantamount to stalking, and I wouldn’t be surprised if she reports you the police for harassment. This is the time to pull back and stop trying to contact her. You must understand that this is not how adults conduct a healthy relationship. You have allowed your feelings to get out of control and you need to get professional help. Straight away. 

            She is obviously a kind-hearted person who doesn’t want to hurt your feelings, but realizes that the only way to make you stop is to block you. She did not break your heart – because there was never a love affair in the first place. As far as I can see the only thing she has done wrong was to think that she could be friends with you. You need to understand that your behavior is frightning and obsessive. Please stop, leave her alone, and find a professional counselor to talk to. 

  2. By metoo on

    Sometimes you just marry the person who you love, but who is just not the ONE. When you meet the ONE and you're already married, it sucks. FOR BOTH PEOPLE!!!!

    From a married woman who is deeply in love with someone who is not her husband — don't judge!! Will I leave my husband?

    I don't know. He hasn't given me an option sadly.

    Reply »

  3. By Harry on

    For many years now my wife and I have been going through the motions. So we decided that a complete change was needed and we moved abroad to start a new adventure. Life has never been a stroll in the park, we've always worked hard but got nowhere, the same pattern began happening here, but it was ok. Then I started chatting to a woman who was very helpful with the new language and friendly. She couldn't do enough for me and my family. She is a very happily married woman with a daughter. We started messaging more where it got to the point where it is now, daily chats. Nothing sexual has happened between us, but there is that tension. We have spent a bit of time alone together and it's now got to the point where I have strong feelings for her that won't go away. She feels the same. It's like I've finally met 'the one' but it can't happen. My problem is that she is constantly on my mind, I think of nothing else. Anyone have any advice what's best to do?

    Reply »

    • By Troi G. on

      Hi Harry,

      You have to decide what is the most important thing in your life. Is it your wife and marriage? Or is it the prospect of a completely new life with your friend. When you consider these two options… oh and of course, there’s a third… that you live without either woman.  So, when you think about your life ahead, which is the most appealing? Which one makes you feel the best? Which makes you uncomfortable? Which one hurts? Which one feels right (by your own judgement, not other people’s)? No-one here knows you or can tell you what path to take. You have to tune into your authentic self and be totally honest – then you will know. Good luck.

       

      Reply »

  4. By dolan on

    Hi

    Never thought of writing to a place such as this, but REAL advice is lacking, with friends, family etc. Not that i am able to share much, either.. My storys the same – fell in love, deeply, more than other times, strangely, but she's magic, and, of course, married. Knew in beginning, but didn't heed any alarm bells. Actually, none rang… Several months later, and my inner world is a complete mess. I thought i could be cool, go along with 'new age' ideas, (bullshit to me, to be honest) and not get hurt. But, falling in love now seems dangerous, and I am looking for a way to survive this. We spent some time together, weeks, without a break, then she was gone, and the change from intensity, messages, constantly, me answering everything, to then….near silence. And, the facade which is her life, to be honest. But, i dont know how that would go down, with her. Today, after months of anguish, i kind of made it clear I couldnt continue. It breaks me apart. What I dont get, is that she can lie so easily, to have maintained what we were doing. I am single, so nothing to lie about for me. Though I keep it quiet, for her benefit. To cut it short, is there any point in holding back from finishing this thing? According to your statistics, it seems theres no hope of us being together, openly as it were. The irony is, that as soon as we spoke about the double standards, i knew i had said too much…. I think life should not be a facade, and we should be open. And face the consequences. But, i seem in a minority. Basically, should I cut completely from this person, whom I love and theres the problem, as what is love if I am going to tell her goodbye…? When its great, its great. When its like a secret, its destroying me. I said i wouldnt (metaphorically speaking) parade up and down outside her house, waiting for her, to come out with bags. Shes only married a few years, not long, and he takes off for long periods. I however dont want casual thing.She has also been very intense with me, things said and done things. I feel guilty, because I guess I went along with it, though not knowing what would happen It really seems that i turned her into something she was never going to be. My mind is going pretty crazy, anyway. Any thoughts would be appreciated

    Reply »

    • By Troi G. on

      Hi Dolan,

      Thank you for sharing your story so honestly. There’s only one point I feel I need to make…. would you like to be her husband right now? Being treated in the same way that she is treating him? Because, if by some miracle, she left him, you would be him in a few years time. You are already treading on eggshells, afraid to say the wrong thing. Relationships of any kind, only work when they are open, and as honest as you were above. You are being used, Dolan, as is her husband. She has both of you dancing to her tune. 

      Is that the kind of relationship you want?

      I do hope you work through this soon. You deserve better.

      Troi xxx

       

      Reply »

      • By dolan on

        Thanks for your reply. To be honest, I sucked in my breath at what you said. I'd not considered it like that. Half my fault too, of course. I am to blame for part, though I did not in the beginning look for this. I also found out that it has not been the first time, possibly, for her, with somethings that were said. I came from a long difficult separation too, with semi grown up children. I thought it might be the answer, as the love seemed so deep and intense. I guess not, really. I don't understand what can drive another person, to be like that. Short flings, sure, its possible, and regretable. But this was something else. Today, she wrote that she would carry on loving me, after me pretty much saying it was destroying me. She said her love was real, But that she will keep it to herself, now, to 'save me'. I said …keep it to yourself, to save me?? I guess I should stop all contact, or as you say, look at it in a colder way. Thank you for the reply.      

        Reply »

  5. By dolan on

    And no, I would not want to be her husband. I didn't answer that. I believe they have had issues, not sure exactly. But today they are together. I've always felt near revulsion, to think of coming between two people, to be honest. The truth is, I think I didnt do that. She was never going to change what is her life, I believe now, though she craved the way I treated her as if it was somehow long term. I just cannot keep up the lie which it all seems to be,now. Thanks 

    Reply »

    • By Troi G. on

      You’re very welcome, Dolan. You’ll be fine and she will move on to the next one. There’s a wonderful, available woman out there for you, wait and see.  x

      Reply »

  6. By Godfrey on

    hi Troi

    My Name is Godfrey and I would like to share my current emotional situation I am in. I met this pretty woman 16 years ago and she is my village girl, my true soulmate indeed. I was in love with her and she was still 18. I was still a teenager and was a player. We lived in two separate towns as she was still studying and she later on worked in the countrysides as part of the community service. I used to disappear and then each time when things didn't work out, I would call and then went back to her. To my surprise, she would welcome me back in her arms with great love. We would travel together visit her during my holidays and she would do the same where we would share a bed with no intimacy. I guess I respected her so much and she was just my queen as I was just getting it somewhere. Basically, there was no intimacy for 15 years but as a boy she knew about my playful ways with other girls. Each time whenever I called her and asked to go back to her she never said NO to me because she could see some future in us. She believed in us and the way I treated and respected her. I used to buy her flowers and some gifts. However I made my disappearing act a habit as I would go and look for some intimacy outside there. Five years back I got married and told her but she didn't approve and then she put a stop to it. She let me go. As a result,  I never kept in contact for two years. During that two year break, she met this guy who was so loving and sacrificed everything for her, but she claims she never loved him except me. So three years ago, I called and she welcomed me back as usual. We started to meet after work at secret places and then kissed passionately for the very first time but I wasn't certain about a lot of things about her marriage. She then opened up about her unhappy marriage and that she still doesn't have a child and she is my soulmate. We then had intimacy last year up until today. The sex is great and I can't lie which is something I live for. Without a doubt, she is my all and I know for sure that I am her soulmate and her all except that I have to drop her at her matrimonial house after such a great sex. Everything is tops and I can't let her go. The only challenge is that I don't love my wife anymore and she knows and I have filed for divorce then separated and I am back in our matrimonial house but we still sharing the same bed, taking care of the kids together. My married soulmate is my true soulmate and she is starting to open up about her marriage and she is now sharing everything. we belong together but she can't leave the husband now as she only got married two years ago and she claims that it's because of her parents are sick and we will be together in two years time. She would send me messages from nowhere citing that she can't wait to see me again.I am ready for her but she keeps on saying that it can only happen in two years time as per her plan. The thing is that we have started to plan for our son but I suspect that she may have some problems to conceive a child as it's been 7 months ever since we started. What if she is trying on both sides and only to find that the baby is not mine? Or what if the child becomes mine and I don't get to see him? The other question is what if it doesn't happen or what if she become pregnant and how will I know if it's my baby? What if she is only using me for the baby or she might change. But I trust her with my life except that she always tells me that they have unprotected sex with the husby and they can also go for months without it. I think he is a dump moron and he is afraid of her or afraid of losing her. But anyway I won't know that. Or she might be a controlling freak as she in control. She tells me that she wants him to catch her and then leave him and that what's she prays for. The husband is not into girls and is committed to their marriage. She even told me that even if I leave her but she is still going to leave him and be alone. I do trust her but I just don't understand why she can't Leave now and hence I am still in this madness situation as I don't want the husband to find out about us in this way.

     

    Reply »

    • By Troi G. on

      You say you trust her, Godfrey, but you have so many doubts. You cannot have perfect trust and doubt at the same time. Doubt is fear. Love and fear don’t live together. If she loves you as you say she doesn, she’ll give up everything for you. Maybe you need to take a step back and wait for her, as she waited for you.

      Reply »

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