What is the Friend Zone?
The friend zone is the place of unrequited love. It’s when you find someone deeply attractive and want to level up to a romantic relationship but your ‘friend’ wants to keep the status quo. Let’s take an example:
Julie and James went to school together. He always fancied his chances but was too shy to tell her that he liked her. She seemed to like him well enough in return so they drifted into friendship. They stayed friends through college and keep in touch almost on a daily basis. James’ heart is breaking. He has so much more to give and Julie just can’t see it. She’s dating other guys, all unsuitable as far as James is concerned. He has to sit back and witness Julie hooking up with all these losers… and it’s killing him.
Julie thinks of James as her best friend. She would find it difficult to be without him. She can share all the intimate details of her life but isn’t terribly interested in his. She’d love it if she could find a girlfriend for him; he’s been resistant so far. She often wonders if he is secretly gay, although she’s pretty sure he isn’t.
Julie has all she needs from him. He is always there, always sympathetic. He drives her round. Cleans her up when she’s drunk after another failed relationship. He pays her compliments, goes shopping with her, gives her the man’s point of view, even gives her advice about how to handle her current love interest.
It’s unlikely that James will make it out of the friend zone. It’s simply gone on for too long. The only way he can break the cycle of pleasure and pain he’s locked himself into is to move on. Move away even.
Signs You are in the Friend Zone
1. He treats you like a buddy. It’s almost as though your womanly assets don’t exist.
2. She flirts with your friends but never with you.
3. He tries to set you up with his brother.
4. She rings you in tears when her boyfriend dumps her.
5. He’ll ask you for favors. He’s got a hot date and his pants need ironing. Would you mind? Please?
6. She is relaxed around you. Happy for you to see her in her jammies and slippers.
7. You think you’ve finally got him to agree to a date and then he cancels… because he’s tired and knows ‘you won’t mind’.
8. When you touch her you almost get an electric shock. She doesn’t even notice.
9. When he talks with you about his chances with other women.
10. You always end up doing what she wants to do. It’s always her choice of movie or restaurant. Even when she insists you both do a guy-thing together, you feel as though she’s patronizing you.
There’s Nothing Wrong with the Friend Zone
The friend zone is a relatively modern phenomena. Traditionally guys and girls restricted their friendships to the same sex. Any fraternizing with the opposite gender was usually a foray into a romantic relationship. The blurring of boundaries and genders over the last fifty years or so has resulted in many healthy and long-lasting friendships… and that has to be good, right?
It’s important to understand it’s your choice to remain in the friend zone. No-one can force another person to fall for them romantically, despite all the advice telling you the opposite. Either the attraction is mutual or it isn’t. There should be no blame assigned.
If you feel as if you are being led a merry dance you can choose not to join in. You may need to accept the relationship as it is, or make the decision to break away.
Tired of Being in the Friend Zone?
Before you give up on your crush, there are some things you can try to push through the friend zone and into the land of a grown-up sexual relationship.
1. Tell him you’d like to date. His reaction will tell you all you need to know.
2. Kiss her. Pick your moment well – perhaps sharing a bottle of wine while watching a romantic movie. Simply tilt her head so she’s looking right at you and kiss her. It could ignite the chemistry between you, or she will brush it off as a blip in your friendship. You can always blame it on the wine.
3. Have a heart -to-heart talk with him. Lay your feelings out. What have you got to lose? He’s planning on dating the leggy blond waitress in any case. Take a chance.
4. Work on yourself. Let her have to odd glimpse of your muscled up torso. Perhaps have someone phone you within her hearing – make sure the one-sided conversation is flirtatious. Give her reasons to notice that you are sought after by other women.
When to Leave the Friend Zone
You should leave the friend zone when you realize that you are expending far more emotion on your crush than s/he is on you. When you find the relationship drains you, it’s time to call it a day. When you find yourself playing the role of her best girlfriend, it’s a sign you need to move on. When he keeps asking you to help him prepare for his next date, you must let go.
You may think you’ve got a chance when she finally agrees to a proper date. Then you discover her sister is coming along too. Think about it – you are in gay-best-friend territory here. Is this where you want to be?
It’s Tough Leaving the Friend Zone
It is hard to give up on a relationship that you hoped would last forever. The trouble is, of you stay as you are it *will* last forever. You are wasting your precious time waiting for someone to see you in a different way than they do. If you’ve tried everything you can think of to encourage them to think of you as more than a friend and it hasn’t worked, then you have to put yourself first for once and exit that friendship zone quickly.